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11/30 Pent-up Apology

11/30 Pent-up Apology

I apologize to my

 

Heart

for allowing it to dream in a galaxy that carried too much gravity to fly. Incarcerating it to disallow it flow abundantly in love. Sorry for keeping you so cold and enslaved to what's the point hopeless soliloquy's of disbelief: He couldn't possibly be loving me.

Sorry to my heart, for I never meant to self inflict bruises of uncharted hope.

Bleeding onto sleeves that were stain proof and leaving chunks of me to disintegrate into the floor.

 

Muffling cries of freedom each time my brain stood as your captor

I only meant to keep you safe,

 

Instead I left you exasperated for working so hard

 

Excitement no longer plays in the rhythm of skipped beats of amorous exhilaration

 

Instead somber symphonies of woe melodically mimic my reasoning

 

Be free to live fearlessly

 

I apologize to my brain

Working on over drive for survival

 

Canceling humanity for robotic responses and miscalculated mannerisms

 

Forcing words to remain unsaid

 

Overwriting emotional outbursts for calm collection

 

Confusing distrust

for the inability to believe that this love we once shared

was a possibility

 

I am sorry for programming emotions to never escape my souls windowsills

 

for vulnerability to be obtainable for me

it's a shameful disease

I prefer to keep in quarantine

 

Wondering do you really need the most broken and jagged parts of me?

 

Dear brain who syncs to my heart

in relentlessly wishing,

love to come my way

to finally be free in reciprocation 

 

Unable to reset my mentality to open book loving,

misunderstanding the necessity to be read diligently

into the depth of my trust and abandonment issues

 

Preventing my lips, from requesting needs

due to consistent years of proof that

my needs have no validity

 

Dear brain we have pre-construed negative possibilities

living in invisibility

 

Let us be half full instead of fully empty, let us

live offensively instead of defensively

 

Open thyself in love and free creativity,

Be free to live fearlessly,

 

To my belly,

 

I have allowed others to mistreat you

until it affected me psychologically

 

Placing bounties on my beauty,

left me hunting for your elimination

 

Angry at the growing against my will,

no one speaks of the hormonal effect of birth control pills

 

Dear roundness that filled men's hands like flower beds in the desert,

looked at like the cloud of the sky, fulfilling their parched lips

 

You have given me a pouch to hide my insecurities

and take blows of self disgust

 

I apologize to staring at you sideways in the mirror,

refusing to take accountability into action - men

have provided pleasure to my horrified belly button

 

To remind me no part of me isn't perfect, plushness 

 

I prefer to feed you doses of admiration

than allow battered words to bruise my bravado.

 

I caress you in appreciation just as he has admired your softness,

 

Be free to live voluptuously,

 

I apologize to my feet,

 

That have bled silently, covering up the cuts

so no one can see through pedicured toes the roughness my heels,

 

Due to placing myself in all the wrong shoes

 

Unsure where to step next,

 

Confusing the right paths for harmful nail beds 

 

Not once protecting the extra skin and removing it

to lead myself into dangerous locations of exposure to shards of confusion

 

Unaccountable to walking down my own valley,

placing other people's shadows

as my heels attempting to save them in exchange for many emotional deaths (disappointments)

 

Ignoring the cramps of carrying too much impersonal weight.

 Be free to live vicariously through your own bare feet,

Lastly,

 

I apologize to my shoulders...

 

For carrying the crosses of others who would consistently sacrifice me as their lamb,

 

I have ruined my spine with the anxiety I have self imposed,

 

Allowing no one to take off the loads,

I have been too preoccupied with placing capes of a hero

to remind myself of my own rights of humanity within,

 

Carrying numerous styled bags overloaded with unresolved issues

 

Hoarding clutches and body bags that created further humps at the rounding my shoulders

 

I am sorry for taking on more than nature intended to

believing the chips on my shoulders were to be the largest of boulders,

 

I have been a canyon

for denial and tundra for resolution,

the glaciers on my shoulders prevented me from floating.

 

Feel free to live lightly

As I release baggage in order to apologize to my body,

 

Living voluptuously fearless.

 

Accept my apology wholeheartedly.

13/30 Random Love gazing

I'mPerfect