*I have been told there is strength in accepting vulnerability*
I accept. "I never been here before."
I never imagined love would have brought me to my knees in the darkness. Beyond consolation as if I were living in death. I could not reach the phone to call an ambulance.
Yet you froze. I was mourning and even to this moment you never noticed, my suffering.
Surprised that I feel, like everything we built has been sent to a shredder to then be incinerated so the only thing left is smoke and dust.
All I could do was feel the air escape my lungs. Unable to cough. Unable to breath. The oxygen you offered before disintegrated into Carbon Dioxide.
Remembrances of us. Despite you pushing and pulling me. I cannot continue this way.
"I am breaking down even when I hold you close"
Yet I am afraid. Of the incapability of being happy beside you as I once was. My ticker now a ticking time bomb.
All you have to do is admit the improper introduction to this shocking pain that numbs my arms. Preventing from letting you go and simultaneously letting you stay.
And still you seem as if you want to control the situation that you created. Clogging the arteries as you felt suffocated and I wishing to do CPR yet you preferred to be pushed to the emergency room.
Left me waiting outside. In the cold. Without you.
I never knew that the sharpest pain is from regretting the day I said "I love you" back. Fighting against the world as they could not see the diamond in you.
Yet...you knocked me to the floor as I could no longer see. The pain knocked the wind out of me. Unable to comprehend what this was. I never knew love would H U R T this bad.
I cannot believe we made it this far. Planning the next steps of our lives. Hand in hand.
Then you decided to let go, all of your own. Did you forget your promise to keep me happy?
As you watch in horror. As my eyes lose the glint. My signs of life weak. Reaching out to you hoping you would think it through.
"All the times when I know I should be smiling
Seem to be the time that I frown the most. Can't believe that we're still survivin. Cause I'm slowly breaking down. Even when I hold you close. And if I lose you. I'm afraid I would lose who, Who I gave my love to. That's the reason I stay around. Even though I fell way In too deep, can't think about giving it up. But I never knew love would feel like a heart attack"
But it does. And you continue to dangle between selfishness and refusing to give up on us. Hurting the very reason for our existence. How can I be sure you won't cut off my life support when all I lived for, was you.
Accepting the signs of short term memory, as I forgot about me. Going and coming out of consciousness. Fighting to continue growing. Yet the platelets we believed to flow through freely, us were building up. Slowly letting go of the blows to each other. Fighting without resolution. Accepting. Defeat.
Why must I keep trying to reactivate your heart while mine kept losing its beat?
My lips now blue...because you decided without me. B E T R A Y E D you say. What about me?
Leaving me on the rescue truck. For someone else to save me. You were supposed to heal me. Nurse me back to recovery.
My heart shivers in the confines of its new home. I would give it all to be discharged and go back home. But you leave my respiration up to the machines.
Why do you visit me in hospice? When you caused this? Having the ability to transplant the missing piece of my heart that you nonchalantly kept.
Holding back the tears as you see me on my deathbed. Yet afraid to return the warmth, I need, preventing my blood flow.
I never love would hurt this bad. Worst pain that I ever have. Afraid to let go. And Scared to keep going. I accept the vulnerability. But never knew the love you gave me would feel like a heart attack.
Capable of Killing. Yet with the possibility of Recovery.