We met when I needed him most.
When the last shot at true love seem to have rang into the
emptiest of hallways of my [hopeless] romantic's soul.
the flavor of true love's first kiss left me unmoved
Not right now, he was not ready.
And I unable to keep pouring every ounce of me
into his bottomless glass made me leave--not let go but leave.
So I needed him.
This possibility that an odd spark could be deeper than the embers left from yesterday.
Literally still recovering from second degree wounds.
I have learned
#1 i don't let scars close but
hope stitches will help seal the wound
without adding any medicine.
He saved me.
From my disorientation that love cannot exists nor be for me.
repaired the broken-ness
I was not even sure I knew was construed
within the fiber of my being.
He never gave up on me- [i need(ed) that]
even when I was not sure he was what I needed.
I was so used to being wanted for so little.
He took my heart
and switched it for his
because at that moment he was stronger
than I could have ever been.
Repaired it one strand at a time.
Aorta, to arteries, to bicuspid
all that was faulty he switched out the parts
He suffered as I never understood
why he chose me.
Why am I worthy of such a feeling that
I did not comprehend
That those before him were simply illusions.
At times I was not even sure I loved him because I loved him.
He replaced him. And taught me these lessons:
- Leap into the faith of love even if no one else agrees
- Accept that you are worthy
- Be Willing to fight to keep it alive
- Be Free in your love-all or nothing
- It will always hurt but as long as it is worth it-not abusive-but growth in itself hurts
- I am not perfect yet that is just fine for the right him
- Speak up and do not settle for less
Happiness in love.
Well who could ask for more?
Amidst kisses, making love, laughter, sleeping side by side, thanking God for these moments = secure
Or so i thought as I took the last leap of faith and God saved me.
I understood why he chose me.
He lacked the purity I had in my heart-strings to poison me with his refurbished organs.
- truth became mysterious lies
- love transformed into moths and dying butterflies
He then taught me #2 that in this pain.
He was the illusionist and I his loyal concubine.
Giving my all for the continuous feeling of his love that I felt I know so well.
- The excitement turned into disappointment
- I became the leader and he no longer the man I knew
- I took and accepted things no one could fathom
I was fixed.
Or so I believed until he ripped open the stitches
to add salt to my wound creating a deeper scar
I fell on my knees
He taught me:
- the compromise of my dignity
- suffering beyond words and measure
- weakness in acting all that i had left was my strength
- alone = loneliness
- no one else will love me like he did
- no longer self loving
- no longer self valued
- incapable to be loved
- what did i do wrong
- instability is safe
- uncertainty is love
- there is a reason why he never inspired poetry
I loved him because he was the dealer that kept me numb
to the fact I would never reach my full potential
if it was not without the healing drug he manipulated me to believe
Love did not live there but selfishness.
He was once my everything
and I proved it down to the
unappreciative entitled attitude
of making him a man he never thought he would be.
I smile in melancholy as my illusion of the winter coming to warmth disappear.
I own you.
Down to the socks you wear and even if
you will never accept that the car you drive has my money in it.
I bid you blessings down the path of manhood and responsibility
both your parents were incapable of showing you.
As you strip my mother of her last beliefs that we meant more than what you left with.
I am bitterly unsour.
I smile. I did God's work with you. Selflessness is love.
I learned it takes selflessness and forgiveness
for men like you
as you intend on creating anxiety
preventing me from moving on from the fuckup that you have created in and out of me.
I have hated you in moments where I couldn't comprehend the hurt.
But in this emotional funeral I have learned no weapon formed against me shall prosper.
I needed you-to believe in something that you pretended to be.
A fake prophecy in betwixt words that could only entice me like the devil's kiss wrapped in Ferrero Rocher chocolates.
I admit I was a fool for you.
And not once did you see
I meant the purity in my love.
It is ok.
As I place my last flower on this coffin of yesterday's love and pain.
Today is the day I forgive you and bury you.
May your new path lead you to blessings. I move on without you.
Goodbye familiar stranger-may we never see each other-not even in our dreams.
Rest in Peace.