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30/30 Emotional instropection

I am broken And I wish I could be less of a robot

but the pieces I have missing in this jigsaw puzzle of an organ

can only program my emotional chip to go so far.

 

I am stoic

not on purpose but I cannot fully comprehend hidden

-feelings-

See memories

keep me damaged despite the effort I put on to go against it

Warmth

I can only attain in your embrace

and in blankets, sweaters, and scarves

In 80 degree weather I still feel cold when you are not here

 

I love

beyond my own comprehension unable to mention it

I do my best in showing that my consistency in being here is what it means.

 

Through my loudest actions and silent subtleties

even though inside I all i wish

is to scream.

Yell to you

and the wind

that I have been dying to see you since

you walked out the door after that final hug

 

In my overactive mind of 010101000 I can only think what good will it do?

Will IT do?

I sit- in introspection unsure how to display the feelings I have

When you are not around, the intimacy of my thoughts and romantic notions soar,

-have i said I love you?

enough times in the way that we sleep and how I argue in my annoyance that you can't see

all I do is aim to please and appease the need to be needed

when I am unsure that's what you need?

 

I wish

I was less of a machine but the puzzles I have are in 3d and there are too many absent key pieces  for me to understand that what's on the box displayed is not fully executed

but the Lego's fortress around my heart makes it seem

on the outside that I am a perfect oasis

I try to be.

It's my nature unable to relax and hang my superwoman cape.

Defense is all I know since I've been attacked for so long I don't know what it feels like to be un-shielded

 

I am sorry

That I cannot translate all of my words on paper to spoken word because

l know if feels so Much better when the words come into fruition

I wish I could say vulnerability is my forte

but even my best friends and family have barely witnessed tears falling from my eyes

And links keep adding to

these chains of inhuman strength to not break the porcelain exterior so my jigsaw composition can remain intact.

The irony

in that I try to allow you in but it hurts to remove these jagged pieces

 

I used to be free spirited once.

Happy to be vulnerable and feel safe in the hand holding age of 16 and dad still crossing the street with me.

I've been thinking.

Back to wonder why I seem to be irreparable. I changed a lot then. Shock and pain seemed to make me numb. Weakness not an option I had no choice but to be strong for mom.

Or so I believe it worked out that way. But it seems every man after him just kept taking my trust for chips and salsa and slowly eating away.

Until all I had left were the crumbs and resonance of sauce at the bottom as food for thought

My emotions have been starving and my body on auto save at any cost of destruction

while hoping the price is never you.

I admit I envy the very sheets that hold you at night because

I would trade places with them in a heart beat and

I keep this burden in to prevent from looking crazy

 

I cringe

at the thought of someone else taking my place in your presence even if it's platonic because it takes so much for me to even be there

 

You make me phlegmatic and I never know how to respond to indirect requests

so I shut down and system restart to re-analyze on my own

 

I wish you could see that the only thoughts that swirl in my mind are romantic

-only child- notions of loving you like no else could love me or you.

 

Did I say I am fragmented?

 

My rust of self-preservation warrants me down and gladiators fall To their feet after midnight

My insecurities speak loud in my silence and I am unaware how to calm them

I am learning

yet Miss fix it has given her tools and have been robbed of materials

The lack of clear titles and definition alarms me into post traumatic distress

I can't go back there I'm not healthy for this duress

 

I miss my former self but I miss you on exponential waves of feeling weak and needy

trying to tell you hasn't been easy for any wrong response from you, makes or breaks my next move

 

I am sorry that my luggage is heavy

I didn't know that they tracked me down into my subconscious

I am more distraught than I noticed I auto reply to unclear messages

I don't know how to vulnerable anymore.

I am exhausted from the fight self-healing and worthiness that

I forget your battles too I know only how to wear one pair of shoes.

Walking silently in battered boots to be better for you and I.

 

But I cannot go all in to an unlit cave of possibilities

because the last one left me in a deep darker tunnel of loneliness unfamiliar

 

You are not him and still it stings to need you

for brick-wall belief that love really does exist the way I daydream it to be.

Basking in the peace and security of your arms in my mind

then questioning its very reality.

 

Even the homeless get mentally inflicted after so many years of un-belonging and wandering.

 

My heart has been a vagabond for years while somehow knowing its home resides in you,

I cannot let go of this hope, it is true.

 

Maybe I am rambling or apologetic that these words don't seem perfectly cohesive.

I am a broken perfectionist who struggles to regain control of a spiral that takes me for loops I never fathomed.

 

I have never been good at these displays of affection

I am unsure how to be openly sensitive without being deathly afraid of falling from loss stones

I purposely placed on this wall of mine.

 

All I know is I love you-carries so much weight inside me that I seem unmoved. Unsure what I can do with this feeling I would risk my conformity for you to glimpse at it.

Wishing you could catch it and not let go.

As I lay in your spot on my bed wishing to relive the warmth that you emit.

 

as i moon bathe in introspection.

 

Can't I just say it-- I want no one else but you and selfishly wish you the same for me. My sanity can be questioned as eyes flash green at the idea of other skin melting against yours and smiles shared.

 

In my madness- i would say your are mine and always have been,

you belong to me and i would ensure you would never regret it...

Night Like These...

24/30 Love InSight

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